1) If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-up, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2) If you have a cat, you are a FlaaaAAming Homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… Killer, come here! I said get your a$$ over here, Killer. Now think about how you call a cat… “Bun-Bun, come to daddy, sookums!” Jeezus, you’re fit to be framed you’re so gay.
3) If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or TITS. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko, and undeniably a fag.
4) If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom, or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A mans world is his bathroom, he defacates and urinates where he pleases.
5) If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full of aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “decaf Cafe Latte with Skim”, and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you have had Nutra Sweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there too.
6) If you know more than six names of colors, or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn’t have the memory space to remember all that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major Leagues, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out Chartreuse or know what a “fressier” is you are gay, and if you can name any type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7) If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow assed driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous c’est le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward a man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous Homosexual Combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too.
